Spike has been staying here with me and it doesn't seem like it's benn that long at all since....
Spike and I watched a movie last night and I don't recall to much of it because I was really tired from all the funeral stuff and seeing dad to find out he wasn't even home so that was a wasted trip and just everything. How can things ever be right again....my sister is gone and I am told it's not my fault but if it wasn't for me being the key then Buffy would still be here.
I had fallen asleep on the couch and even that had become a hard thing to do. Because everytime I would fall asleep I would be up on that tower and no matter what I did it always ended the same way.
Spike was really being awesome. I mean I could tell that he really cared for Buffy and it really showed. I haven't seen to much of the gang...they have been busy I guess with keeping busy and keeping there minds focused on other things.
I tossed a bit on the couch. I tried thinking about happy things but it didn't work. Buffy was telling me to be brave and she turned away from me and jumped off the tower and that was it she was gone.
I sat up and looked around. I was still in the living room and there was Spike sitting in his chair. I looked at him trying so hard to hold back the tears.
I heard the bit screaming out, then she was sitting up, lookin' 'round. Just another dream. That's why a bloke like me doesn't sleep. Can't take it, can't see it in my head over and over. Settin' the remote down, I get up, turnin' on a light and sittin' next to her on the couch. Just so she knows I'm here, that's all.
Don't baby the bit, just am the same Spike she's always known. Turnin' my head toward the telly, I point, then look over at her, "You ever watch this crock?" I love Lucy, shakin' my head, I lean back on the couch, placin' my hands in my lap, watchin' the bird on the screen being a twit.
"You doin' okay bit?" I ask, not looking at her.
Spike took a seat next to me on the couch. I looked at him. He just looked at the t.v. Nothing new there. I looked to the t.v as he asked if I had watched it. I know that mom had but no one else really did. Same goes with passions. Buffy and I when we had time anyway where more for cartoons or movies or stuff like the gilmore girls. The relationship between Lorelai and Rory is awesome.
"Not so much"
I would have just shook my head but Spike was looking at the t.v so he wouldn't have seen it. He still didn't look at me as he asked me...well anything. I wonder if him and the gang didn't rally look at me much anymore cause they saw to much of Buffy in me....I hope not cause I am my own person. But I shouldn't jump to anything. My mind always going going going. I sighed.
"Okay as one can be who has lost there father, mother and now there sister. Translation...peachy."
I got off the couch and walked into the kitchen. I took a slice of bread and put it into the toaster and then grabbed a glass and poured in some milk. My toast was ready so I put some peanut butter on it then walked back into the living room.
"What about you....you okay?"
Don't know why I bloody asked that question. I knew full and well what the answer would be. Not too long ago she lost her mum and her da don't come around. I don't even recall him bein' at the funeral, then again, I wasn't there. Daylight and all, but I would go visit her and talk some. Not about much, just what's been goin' on. Someone has to I 'spose.
Watching her retreatin' back, she goes into the kitchin and I sigh, leanin' back against the soft pillows of the couch. "Bloody hell," I mutter, then get up, grabbin' the remote to the telly and switch channels, tryin' to find somethin' worthy of me watchin'. Not alot.
She comes back in and sits down eatin bread and peanut butter. Shaking my head at her, I shrug and continue to watch the telly. "Don't you worry your pretty little head 'bout me, I'm fine."
That was a lie, but I wasn't goin' to go and pour my feelin's out to the bit, she didn't need that and it's best I keep it inside anyway. I don't want to become teary eyed and a big ninny.
I took a seat on the couch and put my milk on the coffee table. Then I took a bite out of the slice of bread and then I looked out the window. Spike told me to not worry about him, which I knew I wouldn't have to. Spike can take care of himself and well he isn't exactly known for opening up his feelings. He said he was fine. I nodded to him as I continued to stare out the window.
As much as I loved Spike being here...he wasn't Buffy. Which was obvious. There had to be someway. I mean I tried it with mom and I bet it would have worked if Buffy didn't stop me.
I missed the gang to. Especially Willow. She was like another sister. Xander he was like a brother. But Willow lived here and sure everyone else was around all the time but ugh why did she have to move out.
"I miss Willow...and the gang."
Kept my eyes on the telly as the 'Bit ate her meal, if you could call that a meal. Not that I didn't wanna look at her, just that she reminded me alot of Buffy and sometimes ... it hurts. Never tell her though, that's not her fault. She missed Red and the rest of the scoobies.
I missed Buffy.
Clenched my jaw and just nodded, keepin' my eyes starin' at the pictures on the box. "Know you do, bit, you'll see em," I mutter, then get up from the couch, gettin' my smokes off the table, "Goin' for a smoke," I tell her, then make my way outside.
I looked at Spike. He still wouldn't look at me. He was like everyone else...cept that he was actually here...even if he couldn't look at me. I reminded them to much of Buffy so it caused them pain to look at me.
I watched Spike grab his smokes and then he made his way outside to have a smoke. I didn't bother to say anything I just nodded my head. Once I heard the door shut I couldn't hold back the tears anymore.
So I grabbed a couple soda's tossed them on my bed but I walked over to my sister's bedroom and just looked at it. It sure didn't help any. So I went into my room and I closed the door. I put my soda's into my mini fridge and laid down on my bed and cried into my pillow.
I never want to come out of here. I got food and drinks and I have a door to the bathroom. And I got windows for fresh air. See never have to leave.
What I really wanted was my sister back....I sat up and looked around the room. Maybe that can happen sooner then I think.
Sat myself on the step, smokin' lookin' around. Not much goin' on, the town is quiet now. Too quiet for the likes of me. Pretty soon though, word would get out the Slayer was gone and then all the beasties would be comin' gettin' in the way.
Bloody Slayer. Why'd she have to go and die?
Flickin' the fag away, I stand myself up and head back inside. The bit isn't around in the livin' room anymore. Tilting my head toward the ceilin', I hear her walkin' around upstairs.
Takin' the steps two at a time, I get to her room and knock softly before walkin' in.
All the lights were off, but I could still see her, sittin' up in the bed, lookin' around. "Anything you need before you sleep?"
I sat up as I heard Spike say my name and then he walked in. I knew he could see me just as well if the lights had been on.
"Nope, I'm good. Thanks for asking."
I had mr. gordo I was good. It was Buffy's stuffed animal that she has had since she was little.
Noddin', I turned myself back 'round, "Need me, you know where I'll be," I muttered, then let myself out and closed the door behind me.
Closed my eyes as I walked past Buffy's room, her old room. Couldn't even bring myself to walk in there. Yeah, I used to snoop around in it, but it's no fun I reckon when she's not here to catch me.
Takin' myself downstairs, I plop back on the chair and stare at the telly, lookin' out for Dawn and makin' sure everything is okay.