||[Jan. 11th, 2005|05:08 pm]
Home In Sunnydale
I woke up the next morning, feeling incredibly crappy. I guess it was because of how late I got in last night.When I had gotten home, Spike had been here, watching Dawnie. He looks kind of bad. I know he feels something for Buffy, or felt something for her. Not sure if it was love, but he still has feelings after all. The gang talked for a while. About how things were..now. I shook my head to rid those thoughts away, even though they'll come back sooner or later.
I went into the bathroom and washed up and then I headed downstairs. I heard noise in the kitchen and when I got the bottom of the stairs, I saw that it was Dawnie. I walked in and plopped down at the table.
"Hey, your up early."
I couldn't sleep at all last night. I kept having that same dream where it always ended the same. Buffy not being here. I already had lost dad, then mom is gone, and Buffy and then no one from the gang can even stand to look at me because in there eyes all they see is a part of Buffy. Spike couldn't even look at me.
I got up really early that morning and Spike wasn't here anymore...unless he was in the basement or something. Cause I didn't see him. Then again I didn't really look. I just put on my slippers and walked to the kitchen.
I didn't even bother to turn on the kitchen light I just hoped up onto the counter and started pulling out all the boxes of cereal we had in the cupboards and sat them on the island. Then I pulled out the pancake batter and mixed some up.
I turned on the stove and poured some in. I then poured some glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice like mom always did for me and Buffy. I set the plates at the island. I put one in Buffy's place and one where mom would eat and did the same with mine. I went back and flipped the pancakes.
The kitchen light came on and I heard a familiar voice.
"Hey, your up early."
I had some tears already coming down my face and I turned to see Willow. See things hadn't changed!. Willow was here. That means Buffy would be coming down the stairs to!. I looked around. But she wouldn't...she never would again.
"I have to cook. Mom would want me to. Buffy and I are going to be late for school. If I don't do this stuff no one will."
I was standing by the fridge and I just dropped down to the floor in tears.
I just sat there, listening to her talk about her and Buffy and Mom. She looked so hurt. I couldn't even begin to imagine the pain she was in. I lost my best friend. But she lost her Mom and her sister, and even her Dad in ways. But when she started talking about her and Buffy being late for school, that was how she wanted things to be, but they weren't at all.
Then, she just broke down crying. I stood there for a second, just looking at her, tears welling up in my eyes too. I went over to her and dropped down onto the floor next to her and held her tight. I started crying then too.
"I'm so sorry Dawnie. I miss her too. So much. But, we have to be strong for her..okay?" I said, sniffing and wiping my tears away from my eyes.
I sat up and looked at her through watery eyes.
"And see..I can still look at you." I smiled at her.
I cried into Willow's chest. And that very moment when Willow said we have to be strong for her...I knew she was really gone. Willow sat up and she lifted my chin and said she could still look at me. I smiled back some.
"Buffy said that to me....she told me that I needed to be strong for her. She told me to tell you guys that she is okay. And to give you all her love. The hardest thing in this world is to live it....I have to be brave and live for her. She told me that and kissed my cheek. And she was gone. I didn't want to believe it...I couldn't."
I said all this as tears flowed down my face. It's just so hard waking up every morning with that hope when I open Buffy's door she is going to be in there and it was just a nightmare. But every morning it's always the same. She isn't there.
"I thought you couldn't look at me. Because well because I looked to much like Buffy because I am like a part of her and because I killed her. If I wasn't the key then it wouldn't have happened. I know I know don't blame myself. But it's hard to not look at it like that. And every time when I see that play in my head while I am sleeping...no matter what happens. It always ends the same way."
I wiped my eyes. And then both Willow and I stood up. It was good to have Willow back here. I guess she was staying with her mom...or maybe with Xander or Tara. I don't know. But it was great to see a familiar face and to actually have them look back
We sat like that for a few minutes. Dawn crying into me and me crying too. Then, when she got up I looked into her face and hugged her tight. Then, she told me things I never knew before. About what Buffy said to her before she died. I guess Dawnie was keeping it all inside, just too hard to bring it out right away. I wiped tears from her face as I pulled her into yet another hug. I knew I couldn't say anything that would make it all better. I couldn't tell her it would be all okay, cause it might not be. And I couldn't say anything that would make the pain go away, cause it won't. I looked at her, holding her by the shoulders.
"I know, I know sweetie. But, let me tell you something. Buffy dying was not your fault. It wasn't. No matter how hard that is for you to understand, but it wasn't. It wasn't your fault that you were the key, and it wasn't your fault that that portal had to be opened." I looked lovingly at her. "Okay? Just believe that. Buffy died saving the world. It was what she was good at, giving it all up to save the lives of others." I paused.
Then, we got up and just stood there looking at eachother.
"Okay," I said, still wiping tears from my eyes. "What do you want to do today? Anything? We could all hang out..maybe. The gang." I frowned. Just without Buffy, that is.
Willow began to tell me it wasn't my fault. And I knew she was right. But just looking at everything and all it just was so easy to actually say that I did. And well a lot of the signs did point to me. But Buffy wouldn't want me to blame myself. That was one thing she didn't want me to do.
I nodded to Willow. No more blaming myself. Buffy died not only saving the world..but saving my life. Now I really will get to see the world...it's just to bad my sister isn't here to see it with me.
"Seeing the gang would be cool. Maybe we could go shopping? That's always fun.....Willow...Do you think the gang will want to see me?"
I smiled at Dawnie as we stood up.
"Uh..yeah, Dawn why wouldn't they want to see you? And don't say its because of you being so much like Buffy and us not being able to look at you cause you remind us so much of her." I paused for a breather. Then, I started back up again.
"Cause, its not. And you know it. I think they would all love to see you. We all have to be together now..more..now the way it is. Okay? So, why don't we get ready and we'll see if the others can do something." I smiled at her as I turned to go back upstairs to get ready for the day.
I was going to say the reason why I felt the gang didn't want to see me....but uh Willow told me to not say it...since she said what I knew she thought I had to be thinking.
"Well if that isn't the reason, then why since Buffy's death no one has been able to look at me...not even Spike looks at me when he talks."
Willow and I made our way upstairs. While I waited for an answer to my question. And she better not tell me because of work or school. Because even I know those can't keep you away from the people you love.
We got to my room and I was still waiting for an answer. I went in my room and started looking for something to wear.